I’ve been in such a cruddy mood lately. I feel like depression has hit me a little bit. Actually fuckit, I know it has. I’m not going to downplay my mentalhealth to make other people feel comfortable. When you’re a female who’s depressed you get branded a “psycho” or even worse, if you’re a mother people think you’re unfit to parent. Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not going to hide my feelings anymore. I can separate how I feel from how I parent. I’m a great mum and my kids are loved and very well taken care of but I’m tired and I’m allowed to be. Moving on…. instead of wallowing in self-pity as I have been doing, I’m trying everything I can to get back to feeling like myself. I’ve been working out a lot and eating right. I’ve been trying not to overwhelm myself with too many tasks in one day (I sometimes fail at that though as I like being busy). I’ve just been stupidly overwhelmed with everything lately. Any slight inconvenience has tipped me over the edge this past few weeks. It’s funny how when we feel low we try to come up with as many reasons as we can as to why we feel that way. Hormones, too much sugar, lack of protein, lack of vitamins, not enough exercise etc. When really we should just accept it for what it is and focus on getting better and do the things that make us happy. Even just focusing on a bunch of tiny things that make you happy could improve your mood. Exercising, friend time, alone time, reading a book, doing your makeup, cleaning (OHHHH I love cleaning), and so forth. So I’m not here to complain today. I’m here to focus on some positives.
The main stress in my life is that I don’t get much time to myself and at times I can sometimes feel as if I’m drowning. You’re probably thinking “You say this all the time, Laura, please shut up!” TRUST ME, I think that too. I say that to myself all the time. Instead of resenting other humans for not giving me the support I need (Because trust me, they don’t haha), I’ve taken things into my own hands. Sitting around feeling angry at the world and feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to make my life any better. It’s just not. It’s something I know but I sometimes disregard.
I really want to get in good shape. I also want to have some alone time so I can feel like a normal human being again. The gym seemed like a good idea. I asked my friend if her gym has a daycare for kids and she said yes, so I just went ahead and got a membership. It’s 7 minutes away from my house which is helpful and Abbey can go for up to two hours in the morning or two hours in the evening (During the week). She gets to go into a kiddie gym with other children. You know those play areas McDonald’s used to have? The cool ones? They have one of those. They have a huge area for her to run around in and toys to play with. Plenty of opportunities to have an awesome time without needing Mum.
I was pretty nervous to leave her there because of the experience I had with the last gym when she was a little baby. Abbey had total separation anxiety and did NOT want me to leave her. Every time I got on a machine they had to call me to come to take her away because she was crying so much. I knew back then that she was a little difficult and had a few sensory issues or anxiety but I had no clue she had Autism. I had to cancel my membership because I wasn’t using the gym. I couldn’t get that alone time. So yeah, I was nervous but today as soon as she caught sight of that kiddie gym, she was OFF! Didn’t look back, didn’t cry for me while I was gone. Didn’t even notice I was gone. I worked out for a whole hour and went to check in on her but she didn’t want to leave so I went back to the gym and did some more cardio exercises. At the end of my session, she didn’t want to leave. I had to literally drag her out! I’d warned the daycare employees that she has Autism and is prone to emotional outbursts and I said if anything happens give me a call. I got no call and they said she was perfect.
So today was a success and I’m all about celebrating those with her. It’s also a win for myself because I got what I needed for my mental health. Is every session going to run that smoothly? Probably not. But today did. Yay for the win! Although Abbey hasn’t started therapy yet and I still have so many hard moments with her, I am noticing some big changes in her. As her speech improves, her social skills improve. There was a time I couldn’t get her to have fun at the playground with other kids. It wasn’t long ago. It’s only a recent change. But now she’s a social butterfly and will go over to anyone and have fun with them. She isn’t having as many meltdowns. It’s just lovely to see. Yay!
Anyway, I better go ice my bad knee, have a hot shower, and relax because guess who’s going back to the gym tomorrow? That’s right, me!
Oh and before I bounce outta here, I forgot to mention another positive. We had our weekly mummy-daughter date at Market On South for some yummy vegan food, followed by a trip to the playground. Yay for today!
Okay, Laura OUT!