I’m Not Okay Today

I haven’t written in a while. I’m sure I’ve said that a few times on this blog. I really wanted to commit to a fixed blogging schedule and make an effort to write often, but I don’t seem to be doing a good job at that. Of course I could use the excuse that life with three kids get’s in the way, but that could be used as an excuse for absolutely anything and I don’t want to be that person. Eventually reason for that excuse runs out. Truth is, I really haven’t known what to write about. I haven’t felt like writing about myself. I haven’t wanted to open up. I find it difficult to open up, especially when it’s on a website where the whole world can see. Totally aware that the “whole world” doesn’t read my blog, but still, it’s out there. 

Lately I haven’t been in the best place, mentally. I haven’t wanted it to show. I don’t want attention for it. I’m too proud to admit it but maybe I should… Okay, I’m struggling lately. Please don’t worry about me. Being a parent, you learn to put your own feelings aside to focus on other people and I’m very good at it.

Where to even start? I’ve been battling back and forth between two versions of myself. The woman you saw a couple of blog posts ago, raving about how she finally found the key to loving herself, how she’s smashing her personal-growth goals and feeling like she has a purpose in life. And although she hasn’t got all her ducks in a row yet, she was on the right path. Then there’s the woman that’s hanging around and pissing me off right now (And I say “Pissing me off” because I know I’m a better person than this). She’s constantly questioning and doubting herself. Trying to figure herself out, wondering what her purpose in life is. Questioning if she’s a good enough parent and losing her sense of self-worth because she isn’t being kind to herself. Both versions are scrambling up the side of a very very steep hill, battling each other to the top and at this point I don’t even know what’s at the top!

I like life. No, I LOVE life. I don’t think I have such a terrible life. I no longer sit wallowing over my misfortune. It’s unhealthy and literally get’s you nowhere in life. I have a lot to be thankful for (And I am). I’m able to sit and acknowledge the fact that I have a better life than lots of other people out there. I don’t have a terminal illness. I haven’t lost a close family member to a horrible tragedy. I’m not begging for money on the streets. I’m not in prison. I have freedom. I have people in my life who love me. I even have good friends who support me. I’m perfectly aware of all this, but sometimes I still struggle. 

One thing at a time. What’s the issue lately? I think it stems from wanting more for myself. I want to be something other than just a Mum of three. Don’t get me wrong, being a mum of three is a lot of fun. I have three tiny humans who adore me and I get the pleasure of being the person they look up to. I get unlimited amounts of love. But lately I’ve been thinking about my life goals and if they were big enough. The worst feeling in the world is feeling stuck. Stuck in a rut, not going anywhere fast, not making moves, not improving your life. It SUCKS! But it’s also good because sometimes you have to get angry at yourself in order to start making those improvements. I’m not content but that’s okay. 

Let’s go off what’s triggering me today; I want to be able to focus on my life instead of focusing on how my house looks. That’s actually a huge problem for me because it snowballs into other problems (Including the last problem) and it’s something I need to work on FAST!  If you knew how many hours per day I spend on cleaning and organizing, you’d shake your head and ask “WHY?” I’ll tell you why; I have a very messy toddler. I get it, all toddlers are messy, but mine is extra messy. If I’m not watching her, she will be stuffing toilet paper down the toilet. She will be drawing all over the walls. She will be in the rabbit’s bed, pulling the bedding out and sprinkling it all over the place. She will be ransacking the kitchen and pulling food out of the fridge. She loves to take her food and smear it all over the place. If I were to focus on something other than housework, it would look like a bomb exploded in my living room by the end of the day. I don’t like mess. I cannot function alongside it. I cannot cope. If my house is messy, my brain is messy. I’m focusing so much time on having a clean house THAT NOBODY EVEN VISITS, that I don’t have time to focus on my future. Not to mention, Abbey is also very needy and demands my attention. Even now, I’m finally taking some time to myself to write and she has thrown three huge tantrums. 

This morning I made a promise to myself not to stress over the little things. I can clean the house later. I wanted to focus on my photo editing skills and drum up some business. Abbey didn’t like that, so I got up to give her some attention and oh look, I freaked out over how untidy the house looked. So guess what I did? You guessed correctly, I did HOUSEWORK!!! Then I went into my room and sat on the edge of my bed and cried because I was so frustrated with my need to clean. I cried because I had no makeup on and my hair was a mess and I didn’t look good and therefore the rest of the world THAT ISN’T EVEN IN MY HOUSE would judge me, and how is anyone ever going to be attracted to me ever again because today I chose not to wash my hair or wear any makeup. And then the killer of all killers got me… I’m currently not working out because I have a hip and back injury and I feel like I’m gaining weight. Oh the horror! Why can’t I just give myself a break? I’m also missing those endorphins which plays a huge role in keeping my mental health on point. And now I’m sitting here thinking about it, I do tend to become a little depressed and frustrated with myself when I’m not exercising daily. *Lightbulb* We finally figured it out. 

So that’s how I’m feeling. It’s not how I’m going to continue feeling though. Typing it out has helped me identify the problem. I can overcome this very minor problem in my life, because let’s face it, it probably is a very minor thing. Although I have my moments where things overwhelm me, I’m a very strong person and I know I can pull myself out of it (And I will). So I’m ready to crumple the page up, throw it out of the window and continue on with the good stuff (Metaphorically though because I don’t litter haha). 

If you do happen to scroll through my blog, find this post and think “Yeah she’s crazy!” I will tell you now, I most certainly can be at times.